Game 6: Douche's Most Glaring Weakness

It'd be foolish for me to sit here and question Douche's talent level. However, I am very confident in saying that he is nowhere close to being the balla that Michael Jordan was. Furthermore, I firmly believe (and hope) LeBron James will have EASILY surpassed Douche as the greatest player next to MJ by the time both Douche and Bron Bron's careers are over.

Sadly for Douche and his faker fans (but a blessing to the rest of us decent human beings), Douche has a glaring weakness in his game, and it's more of a mental than physical liability. Because of his inability to connect with people, he is limited in elevating his teammates' level of play.

Just look at highlights (see below) of Game 6 between the Rockets and Lakers - Douche condescendingly rubbing Pau Gasol's head during a first quarter timeout like Pau's his little beyatch OR Douche getting in Sasha Vujacic's ear as they head off the court for halftime. It's one thing to motivate your teammates so they play better, but it seems like Douche's teammates are intimidated and fearful of Douche more than anything else. Think about it - most of us have never even talked to Douche yet we still despise him. His body language and dirty smirks alone show us an insecure, arrogant douche of a dude. Just imagine the poor lads who have to spend an 82-game season acting like they actually like Douche.

We've all had a boss or two whom we can't stand. Yet we suck it up, pretend everything is okay, and continue collecting checks to underperform. After all, why take pride in your work when you know the douche above you has the most to win or lose from your performance? Maybe this is why the Rockets, led by likeable guys like Yao, Shane, and Ron-Ron look like they care about this series so much more than the Fakers. One team has young guys happy to play hard for the veterans above them (see Celtics last year as well), while the other team just saunters along, more worried about escaping Douche's wrath than simply playing loose and making plays.

There is Douche, and then there are the good superheroes - LeBron James and MJ. LeBron connects with EVERYONE. Thus, no surprise that he's been lifting his teammates' level of play from the day he stepped onto a basketball court. MJ, on the other hand, didn't necessarily lift his teammates from the moment he entered the NBA, but you know he understood "team" from his days at UNC and was eventually able to translate his leadership abilities into six rings. Furthermore, look back at the Bulls championship runs. How many times did other guys (Steve Kerr, John Paxson, etc) hit huge game-winning shots? Can you ever imagine Douche's teammates having enough confidence to take those shots? Personally, I don't see it.

With top NBA players playing well into their mid-thirties these days, I think its safe to say Douche has another five to six years in the league. I'm hoping he walks away at that time still stuck on three rings and becomes remembered as an incredible talent who couldn't go all the way unless he had another guy (Shaq) lifting the spirits of those around him.

The Rockets and LeBron, on the other hand, will have split a few rings between them and made Douche nothing more than a miniscule fragment of our collective memories. Hallelujah baby, hallelujah.



PS - This post is dedicated to a coffee-sipping, Astros-loving, cardigan-wearing, New York Times-reading, Biggie Smalls-bumping, speed-walking contradiction. Please don't go.

"Grab the keys to the five, call my niggaz on the cell
Bring some weed I got a story to tell."
-Biggie Smalls

Game 2: Kobe the Douche

Anyone else sick of Kobe Bryant making those ridiculous faces everytime he scores a basket? In real-life, see a guy strutting around with such arrogance, and you call it as you see it - DOUCHE BAG. Not surprisingly, Los Angeles is the city that has come to love and adore such a douche of a dude.

Htowners, and most of the country, on the other hand...well, we like to rally around guys who have a little more substance - Hakeem the Dream, Clyde the Glide, Rudy T, Yao, Ron-Ron, Shane, Luis, and pretty much every other player on the current Rockets roster.

That's why this series means so much to Houston fans. Sure, we want to advance to the next round of the playoffs, but wiping that evil smirk off of Douche's face would just make the accomplishment that much sweeter. Just like Detroit and Boston before us, we'd prevent Douche from obtaining his fourth ring and sustain our faith in good over evil. High the stakes are indeed.

Speaking of Douche, my friend had a freakin' brilliant (yet sick) idea for games 3 and 4 in Houston. Find the Colorado girl who accused Douche a few years ago, and place her courtside for both games. Again, definitely a sick idea and possibly one I should be avoiding like the plague but simply too brilliant to not share on my blog. Just imagine Douche's face upon seeing her!

Otherwise, we can settle for a "Douche Bag" chant everytime Douche touches the ball.

Finally, according to ESPN's J.A. Adande, Douche should be suspended for the elbow he threw at Ron-Ron. Here is his explanation:

"Most significant is an elbow Bryant threw that caught Artest in the throat as they were jockeying for position under the basket. The NBA rulebook states that a player must be ejected for 'An elbow foul which makes contact above shoulder level.' By the standard that's been set in these playoffs, Bryant should be suspended. Orlando's Dwight Howard was when he elbowed Philadelphia's Samuel Dalembert in the head. Superstar or not, the head and neck have been deemed off-limits for elbows."

Either way, Rockets aren't backing down from anybody...

Game 1: Fake Faker Fans

Game 1: Rockets beat Lakers 100-92. In other news...

Rockets 96 - Lakers 90. 26 secs left. And the Faker crowd continues to sit silently in their seats. HAHAHA. Fake-ass celebrities posing as Lakers fans couldn't spare their "coolness" factor long enough to at least wear purple and gold to Staples Center (see pics below). Thus, no surprise they're completely clueless to the fact this is still a ballgame. As a Rockets fan, I thank you fakers for providing absolutely no home-court advantage for your team.

Last time a Texas team stomped into southern California and left Los Angelenos feeling this lousy, a guy by the name of Vince Young was running circles around their hometown team. This time around, speedy Aaron Brooks was the man causing a commotion.

Fakers, welcome to the real world - Htown Texas beyatches! Well, everyone except for the lady sitting with Mario Lopez. She stays in fantasy land.