Game 6: Douche's Most Glaring Weakness

It'd be foolish for me to sit here and question Douche's talent level. However, I am very confident in saying that he is nowhere close to being the balla that Michael Jordan was. Furthermore, I firmly believe (and hope) LeBron James will have EASILY surpassed Douche as the greatest player next to MJ by the time both Douche and Bron Bron's careers are over.

Sadly for Douche and his faker fans (but a blessing to the rest of us decent human beings), Douche has a glaring weakness in his game, and it's more of a mental than physical liability. Because of his inability to connect with people, he is limited in elevating his teammates' level of play.

Just look at highlights (see below) of Game 6 between the Rockets and Lakers - Douche condescendingly rubbing Pau Gasol's head during a first quarter timeout like Pau's his little beyatch OR Douche getting in Sasha Vujacic's ear as they head off the court for halftime. It's one thing to motivate your teammates so they play better, but it seems like Douche's teammates are intimidated and fearful of Douche more than anything else. Think about it - most of us have never even talked to Douche yet we still despise him. His body language and dirty smirks alone show us an insecure, arrogant douche of a dude. Just imagine the poor lads who have to spend an 82-game season acting like they actually like Douche.

We've all had a boss or two whom we can't stand. Yet we suck it up, pretend everything is okay, and continue collecting checks to underperform. After all, why take pride in your work when you know the douche above you has the most to win or lose from your performance? Maybe this is why the Rockets, led by likeable guys like Yao, Shane, and Ron-Ron look like they care about this series so much more than the Fakers. One team has young guys happy to play hard for the veterans above them (see Celtics last year as well), while the other team just saunters along, more worried about escaping Douche's wrath than simply playing loose and making plays.

There is Douche, and then there are the good superheroes - LeBron James and MJ. LeBron connects with EVERYONE. Thus, no surprise that he's been lifting his teammates' level of play from the day he stepped onto a basketball court. MJ, on the other hand, didn't necessarily lift his teammates from the moment he entered the NBA, but you know he understood "team" from his days at UNC and was eventually able to translate his leadership abilities into six rings. Furthermore, look back at the Bulls championship runs. How many times did other guys (Steve Kerr, John Paxson, etc) hit huge game-winning shots? Can you ever imagine Douche's teammates having enough confidence to take those shots? Personally, I don't see it.

With top NBA players playing well into their mid-thirties these days, I think its safe to say Douche has another five to six years in the league. I'm hoping he walks away at that time still stuck on three rings and becomes remembered as an incredible talent who couldn't go all the way unless he had another guy (Shaq) lifting the spirits of those around him.

The Rockets and LeBron, on the other hand, will have split a few rings between them and made Douche nothing more than a miniscule fragment of our collective memories. Hallelujah baby, hallelujah.



PS - This post is dedicated to a coffee-sipping, Astros-loving, cardigan-wearing, New York Times-reading, Biggie Smalls-bumping, speed-walking contradiction. Please don't go.

"Grab the keys to the five, call my niggaz on the cell
Bring some weed I got a story to tell."
-Biggie Smalls

Game 2: Kobe the Douche

Anyone else sick of Kobe Bryant making those ridiculous faces everytime he scores a basket? In real-life, see a guy strutting around with such arrogance, and you call it as you see it - DOUCHE BAG. Not surprisingly, Los Angeles is the city that has come to love and adore such a douche of a dude.

Htowners, and most of the country, on the other hand...well, we like to rally around guys who have a little more substance - Hakeem the Dream, Clyde the Glide, Rudy T, Yao, Ron-Ron, Shane, Luis, and pretty much every other player on the current Rockets roster.

That's why this series means so much to Houston fans. Sure, we want to advance to the next round of the playoffs, but wiping that evil smirk off of Douche's face would just make the accomplishment that much sweeter. Just like Detroit and Boston before us, we'd prevent Douche from obtaining his fourth ring and sustain our faith in good over evil. High the stakes are indeed.

Speaking of Douche, my friend had a freakin' brilliant (yet sick) idea for games 3 and 4 in Houston. Find the Colorado girl who accused Douche a few years ago, and place her courtside for both games. Again, definitely a sick idea and possibly one I should be avoiding like the plague but simply too brilliant to not share on my blog. Just imagine Douche's face upon seeing her!

Otherwise, we can settle for a "Douche Bag" chant everytime Douche touches the ball.

Finally, according to ESPN's J.A. Adande, Douche should be suspended for the elbow he threw at Ron-Ron. Here is his explanation:

"Most significant is an elbow Bryant threw that caught Artest in the throat as they were jockeying for position under the basket. The NBA rulebook states that a player must be ejected for 'An elbow foul which makes contact above shoulder level.' By the standard that's been set in these playoffs, Bryant should be suspended. Orlando's Dwight Howard was when he elbowed Philadelphia's Samuel Dalembert in the head. Superstar or not, the head and neck have been deemed off-limits for elbows."

Either way, Rockets aren't backing down from anybody...

Game 1: Fake Faker Fans

Game 1: Rockets beat Lakers 100-92. In other news...

Rockets 96 - Lakers 90. 26 secs left. And the Faker crowd continues to sit silently in their seats. HAHAHA. Fake-ass celebrities posing as Lakers fans couldn't spare their "coolness" factor long enough to at least wear purple and gold to Staples Center (see pics below). Thus, no surprise they're completely clueless to the fact this is still a ballgame. As a Rockets fan, I thank you fakers for providing absolutely no home-court advantage for your team.

Last time a Texas team stomped into southern California and left Los Angelenos feeling this lousy, a guy by the name of Vince Young was running circles around their hometown team. This time around, speedy Aaron Brooks was the man causing a commotion.

Fakers, welcome to the real world - Htown Texas beyatches! Well, everyone except for the lady sitting with Mario Lopez. She stays in fantasy land.

Game 2: Rockets @ Blazers

5:39 left in 1st quarter: Rockets 17 - Blazers 15.
Damn, refs are calling this one tight. Blazers fans are getting pissed and rowdy, which is ruining my vision of Portland being a calm, bike-friendly, pot-smoking, progressive city. C'mon Portlandians. For the sake of my sanity, please toke up and tone down a little bit.

Bad news - Deke just went down. Doesn't look pretty at all. Heading out on a stretcher, at which point Portland fans offer support via a standing ovation. My sanity is back, but my heart goes out to the heart and soul of our team. Wishing Deke the best.

Just like that, we return to live action.

End of 1st Quarter. Blazers 28 - Rockets 26.
With that, I'm done blogging about this particular game for a little while. Need to just sit back and enjoy this game after dealing with a fairly nasty cold virus for the last two days.

3:39 left in 2nd quarter: Rockets 48 - Blazers 44.
Wow, great 2nd quarter for Rockets so far. I haven't looked at a box score for exact minutes played, but it seems like we've been able to take a small lead with several starters (Yao, Scola, Battier, and Brooks) on the bench for most of the quarter. I love how Adelman is keeping Yao on the bench as long as possible, especially now that Deke is probably gone for the game. We need Yao to be as fresh as possible in second half.

Halftime. Blazers 53 - Rockets 51.
Yao scored 5 points in 12 minutes yet we stayed in the game on the backs of Artest (15 pts), Lowry (6 pts), and Wafer (12 pts). If we can reestablish post game with Yao, I really like our chances.
Not sure we can do anything differently to stop Aldridge. Just play him man-up with Scola, Hayes, or Landry and hope he cools down. Despite being a fellow Longhorn, I don't see him carrying a team for an entire game. Roy, on the other hand, can carry a team on his back, just not when Artest or Battier is chasing him around all game long.

End of 3rd quarter: Rockets 72 - Blazers 72
Hell fu*k yeah! Brooks hits a huge 3 followed by Artest slamming it home to send the game into the 4th quarter tied at 72. Still need to get Yao involved in this game, but what a way to end 3rd quarter. Let's do it!

Damn it, Rockets end up losing a tight one 107-103. Hopefully we can head back to Portland next week with a controlling 3-1 lead. Need sleep, peace.

Nuggets-Hornets Game 1 Observations

1. Why does the media always laud Chris Paul for playing so well for being such a small player? He doesn't look that small to me. Look at him standing next to Billups, maybe an inch or two shorter at most. Am I the only one that feels this way?

2. Denver is a lot better than I thought. Billups, Melo, JR Smith can light it up at anytime. Nene, Martin, and Chris Anderson are fairly physical inside. Ok, maybe they're not that great but still better than I thought.

3. Dos Equis commercial. "I don't always drink beer, but when I do...I prefer Dos Equis." My life sucks!

4. This is a very physical game. I predict a fight before the series is over. Tyson Chandler will definitely be involved from the Hornets side. Nene, Melo, or Kenyon Martin from the Nuggets.

5. Speaking of fights, remember when Van Gundy held onto Zo's leg for dear life?!! Never would I have imagined him being one of my favorite NBA personalities at that time of my life (which he now is).

6. As I watch the NBA Playoffs, I wonder how anybody can like watching baseball better than basketball.

7. On that note, the NBA Playoffs beats March Madness by a landslide. Yeah, I said it.

8. Okay, back to the Nuggets-Hornets game. 94-69 Nuggets with 9:06 left in the game. Nothing to report here.

9. Just saw a commercial with Charles Barkley. Have met him twice and love the fact that he's a friendly, funny, down-to-earth guy but still find it funny that he aspires to be Governor of Alabama. If there is a state where he can make those dreams happen, states like Alabama, Arkansas, and Louisiana are definitely the ones to do it in. See Bobby Jindal.

10. Having just thrown Arkansas under the bus, I must say I am always perplexed that both Bill Clinton and Wal-Mart, two American icons, sowed their roots in such a crap hole of a state. What does this say about our country? Arkansans, don't mind me...I've never even been to your state. I'm just from Texas and have been told your state sucks.

Rockets 108 - Blazers 81 - YES!

Great start for the Rockets in Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Playoffs. Besides winning the game, they were able to rest Yao the entire fourth quarter and must've sucked just a tad but of life out of the Blazers. Even after Yao got off to such a great start, I love how Adelman decided to stick Mutumbo in the game and gave him plenty of minutes tonight (I advocated for this on both Facebook and an earlier blog post this week). Landry and Hayes are great, but we need a guy who can control the defensive paint like Mutumbo. Other than that, all of the Rockets really stepped up, even after the Blazers put up a very good fight in the first half. I assume Game 2 will be tougher but love seeing the Rockets turning it up a notch in the playoffs.

Also happy that I stuck to my plan and started to blog about NBA Playoffs by writing about the 1st quarter. By doing so, I learned a very important lesson - no way in hell I can do live basketball blogging. In addition to being boring, it's way too time-intensive for the writer in question. Furthermore, it's hard as hell to watch the game and type at the same time. Having said that, I'm not throwing in the towel for my NBA playoff blogging. Instead, I'm simply adjusting. I'll be looking for interesting stories to follow throughout the NBA playoffs and add a little touch of Vilasinator Analysis to equation. One way or another, I just want to practice writing and give myself something productive to do. Okay, maybe not productive, but you get the point.

Game 2 is Tuesday, 9 PM CST. Let's do it!

Live from...Houston, Texas

Covering Houston Rockets vs Portland Trailblazers. Game 1 of 2009 Playoffs in Portland, OR.

8:41 left in 1st quarter: Yao already has 9 points. They're going to him early and often. McMillian calls timeout. Expect them to adjust, possibly front Yao. How will the Rockets respond? Gotta minimize dribbling, maximize passing. Swing it to man at top of key, look for passing lanes to get it into Yao inside. Nothing there? Swing again to man on weakside, again look for passing lane to Yao, who should be moving back and forth between the lane. Here we go...

Coming out of timeout, Blazers go straight to Roy, who responds with 4 relatively easy buckets, going right by Artest each time. As good as Ron-Ron is, maybe we should switch Battier on him?

2:03 left in 1st Quarter: Blazers came hard, Rockets weathered the storm. Despite giving up quite a few buckets to Roy (who is a lot better than I thought), Artest looks a lot faster than he looked during regular season. Rockets are playing at a very high level. Coming out of this timeout, Rockets' bench will need to keep it up because Blazers are young and deep.

End of 1st Quarter: Wow, high-flying first quarter. This is intense. The way the Rockets have played on offense, they'd be destroying most teams during a typical regular season game. Kind of worries me. In other news, I'm realizing how hard blogging a freakin' basketball game is. Ready for a nap but will settle for a little break during 2nd quarter. Be back soon!